my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
