WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize