if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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