i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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