I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
