the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
