Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
