lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
