i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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