I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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