State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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