What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize