all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
