ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

  Fav 25 1231 5407

  share tweet
  

• (312): View more from Illinois

  so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

  Fav 97 1305 8420

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

  Fav 7 6613 1469

  share tweet
  

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

  Fav 5 1114 3930

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

  Fav 6 3031 1478

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

  Fav 12 4093 1553

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

  Fav 10 1697 1008

  share tweet
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

  Fav 11 3815 938

  share tweet
  

• (973): View more from New Jersey

  That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -

  Fav 5 519 880

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman

  Fav 1 1113 479

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.

  Fav 3 997 596

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (734): View more from Michigan

  Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..

  Fav 2 31 40

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.

  Fav 4 154 35

  share tweet
  

• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.

  Fav 0 83 14

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?

  Fav 0 33 11

  share tweet
  

Randomize