she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize