We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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