woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize