Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
