Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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