i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Help. Why am I so naked?
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