We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
