remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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