Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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