so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
