The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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