I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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