So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
