i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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