I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
