you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
you are never too drunk for berry picking
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
