Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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