I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
