things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
