i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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