I'm really into asian looking animals
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize