i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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