i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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