Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
