Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
