Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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