Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
