Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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