dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
