Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
