I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize