do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
