is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
