So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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