I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
