He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
