you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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