All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
All the doctor said was why
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
