He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
