he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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