Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
