Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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