My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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