now i know why i became what i already was.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
