Whod you bang
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
