I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I deserve this hangover.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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